Letters

I looked up in annoyance from the woman below me as a powerful thumping shook the door. Desperately, almost pitifully, the girl tried to pull me back down to continue our work and I was happy to comply until Thor's voice thundered through the metal and wood. Perhaps I should have hung some sort of clothing on the handle outside like his precious Midgardians did. Still I elected to ignore him, focusing on the pleasured gasps my guest was making than on his bellows, until the door began to shake on its hinges. Drawing one last kiss from her lips then placing a finger to my own, I pulled a blanket over her before climbing out of the bed, wrapping a sheet around my waist.  Gathering the rest of the silky cloth in a hand, I glided to the door, opening it just enough to fit my frame. Thor stood in the hall, fuming, and I opened my mouth to ask what he wanted before he beat me to the punch.

"Send her out." he snapped, almost growling the words.

"I've no idea what you're talking about Thor." I relied coolly, blocking his view inside.

"Loki-" he took a step forward, pushing at the door but I clicked my tongue, a slight wind keeping it shut and him in his place.

"I didn't invite you in. What do you want, I'm busy."

"So I've heard, brother! Busy pleasuring yourself with the maids and servants. I know you have one in your bed currently. What happened to you? When we brought you home, you were devoted to your mistress and children. Have you forgotten already? It is like your sense left with the thread that bound your lips."

I frowned at the twinge the thought caused, the start of one of the many headaches that had begun to plague me. That subject seemed to always set them off. I didn't want to think about it, things were easier that way. After having paraded my shame with bound lips I was done with difficultly. I had locked myself in the grand library during my silent year and only recently had Odin deigned my punishment over, the good behavior I had painstakingly kept up for him finally paying off. And now Thor was ruining my personal reward. Granted this had been going on for the last week but it was still rude and annoying. He had ruined my mood now and I stalked back to the bed, pulling the woman up and out, pushing her towards the door as she scrambled for her discarded clothes. I paused for a moment, staring at her hard. She returned the look with her own startled expression before I shoved her into the hall. Something had taken hold in her and I had no want for that heartache again. I left her tittering in the hall, throwing the door closed as I turned. I was halfway across the room before I realized Thor had caught it and let himself inside.

"Again, I didn't invite you in." I growled, my annoyance building with the headache.

"I think you past that privilege. You are not yourself, brother. This isn't like you. Something is wrong."

I let out a short laugh, shedding the sheet as I passed the bed. If he insisted on staying I wasn't going to dress to suit him. Striding to the edge of the room I lit a stick of incense, something Thor couldn't stand, and retrieved a rune book from the shelf it rested on. I felt his glare boring into my back. Such righteous indignation he possessed! For once I wished he would leave me to my torment. I stood by the shelf in silence, absently flipping through the book without reading a word on a single page. I wanted him gone, to leave me with this throbbing ache whenever I thought of her, of them. He wouldn't have it, letting out a stifled cough before attempting to placate me once more.

"What is ailing you, please? You can trust me. This pain isn't something you should keep bottled up."

I snapped, whirling around to face him.

"You want to know what is ailing me? I have done nothing to warrant any of what Odin brought down on me. I know what he did took away something I treasured but the fact of the matter is that I can't remember what. Rather, I can't remember why I cared so much for them all. Whenever I try to recall the events, the feelings, their names, their faces, I feel as if my skull is about to split! The only time I can try to remember without this agony is when I occupy my body. You just ruined one such moment. So for the subject of what is ailing me, brother," I spat the word, voice rising, "is that ever since my return I can't even remember who I am!"

"Clean yourself up, we're going out." he said at length, voice soft.

"You just don't get it do you? You're just so thick! What makes-geh!"

Thor had grabbed me in a headlock, cutting off my sentence as he dragged me behind him. I clawed at his arm desperately, his every other step cutting off my air. In the next instance he pulled me forward, throwing me through the air to skid along the bath's marbled floor gasping. A moment later the sheet I had worn fluttered over me and I tore it away from my face furiously. Thor stood over me, anger bright in his eyes and I swallowed the biting remark that had sprung to my lips. With all my magic, I could only do so much against his rage.

"If I can't reason with words then I will use force. I'm not giving you an option anymore. Now, I'm going to send for servants to bring you hot water. Try not to bed any of them." he remarked ruefully, pausing as he turned away, "Dress warmly once you're done."

I laid on the floor after the door shut behind him, moving to get up only when I heard the servants entering. I sat on the edge of the stone bath, the sheet wrapped round my waist again. My ankle was resting on my knee, elbow propped on the other as I watched them work. None dared look in my direction except for one as they finished. She was young and fair but not my type, and Thor had given me his orders. I still gave her a toothy smile however, laughter in my eyes as she blushed and scurried out. Such young things are so easily impressed. Once more the door thumped shut and I discarded the sheet for the second time, sinking into the bath slowly. Immediately, I sunk my head under the water, refusing to come up until it felt like my lungs were about to burst for in that moment I remembered a name: Angrboda. My Angr. It disappeared as I broke the surface, skull splitting pain chasing it away as I spluttered slightly. I smashed my fist against the side of the bath, teeth grinding, head cradled in the other hand as I tried desperately to cling to what was an important memory. It was frustrating, tearing me apart slowly that I couldn't remember so much that had once defined my every action, what had cost me a year of torment. Who were these fleeting images I saw between pain and those happy moments too good to be true in my dreams, and why could I not remember them?

I emerged an hour later, annoyance obvious on my face. The headache hadn't ceased at all and it had only caused me more anguish with every attempt to remember. I had disregarded the armor and fine clothes I usually wore around the palace, settling for a plain tunic and wolf skin instead. My hair wasn't oiled down either, still thrown back but left unkempt to dry. For once, I didn't want to be recognized. Thor stood outside my door, leaning back on the wall. He was dressed in a variation of his armor, red and silver with fur scattered about for warmth. Mjolnir was looped on his hip and I sighed inwardly. It would have been nice if our trips didn't warrant the need for weapons, fighting was so tiring. Pushing off the wall silently, he led me down the hall, out the gates, and through the city. Some of the people stared at me, my discretion still fresh on their minds, whatever it was that I had done. I brushed it aside as another wave of pain blossomed in my head from the thought. We walked without a word until we reached the Bifrost.

"Thor, where you taking me exactly, and for what purpose? Our last trip into Jotunheim didn't exactly put us on friendly terms with Laufey and last I checked Midgard wasn't in a winter season in any place of interest."

"Be patient brother. You shall see."

I scowled but didn't utter a word more as we reached the end of the Bifrost, Heimdall standing before its entrance with his unblinking gaze. My own gaze drifted to the side, focusing on the shimmering colors of the bridge rather than on the guardian like Thor's. The man didn't even look at us however, unmoving in vision and body. It was unsettling. I had always been unnerved by him, he who could see my every scheme and pass it on to the Allfather and who seemed to have a great dislike for myself. We weren't exactly the best of friends.

"Thor, is this wise? Even I cannot say what will happen if you bring the two together again. You may not be able to control it." he rumbled, voice deep and eyes flicking towards the other Aesir.

"It is for the best. I trust you to pass on any unfortunate events to father otherwise though I doubt that precaution shall be needed. I cannot stand this any longer. Can you open the Bifrost to-"

"You need not ask, prince. I just beg you to have caution."

I let out a frustrated sigh as he led us inside, wishing he hadn't cut Thor off. It was an annoying habit he had. His caution was something new, if he deemed a trip dangerous he forbade it unless ordered differently by Odin. My pondering was soon ended as he opened the way, sucking us in suddenly and without warning. A blink and stomach flip later, we stood on a foggy ice plane, a forest stretching off to our right. The rocky spires of Laufey's ruined palace scraped at the sky to our left, little slivers in the distance. We were in the barrens, and it was all so familiar. I staggered forward, almost falling until Thor grabbed my arm and steadied me. A dull ache had settled in the back of my head, a constant reminder to not remember. With steadier feet, Thor pulled me into the forest, Mjolnir in hand to ward off the violent wildlife. Twice I had to stop him as the local giant boars passed by, once masking our scent as best I could to save us the trouble. The fog was incessant, annoying, but it was like an old ally. We walked in silence for several minutes more before I pieced together why. I had had a hand in making it. Images flashed at the edge of my memory, pain lashing me each time, but I could remember ever so slightly. My steps ceased entirely, a hand pressed to my temple and Thor continued on a ways before noticing I hadn't followed. He turned in concern.

"We're almost there, you can forget a little longer brother."

Placing a hand on my back, he gently pushed me forward. I didn't argue, numb to everything but the ache. This place, this forest, Thor's intentions, I knew their purpose. If only I could remember! I wanted to scream, Thor's touch the only thing keeping me from lashing out. My frustration was cut short as the trees broke to reveal a small clearing, a wood house occupying most of it. He moved to step out but I pulled him back, letting out a long, low whistle. I don't why I did. We stood, seemingly frozen in time before the door creaked open slowly, red eyes gleaming out at us in disbelief. I should have been scared, alarmed, ready to fight, but I felt none of those. Instead, something I hadn't felt in a very long time stirred: hope. In the next instance, something shot out of the house and I found myself lying on my back in the snow, something firmly wrapped around me.

"My little prince, you bastard! A year! An entire year!  And don't you even think you're getting away with what you were up to with all those women. That Scrying stone was rather useful to keep up with your activities. The kids are safe, or what's left of them. I saw what happened, what you tried to do, what they did to you. And..." she trailed off, her breath tickling my ear, "For a while, I thought you weren't coming back."

I pushed her off me slightly, brushing at the thick black hair that draped in a curtain around her, "Remembering you... Is painful. You were important, so important. Why can't I remember you, my dear, sweet warrior. My Angr..."

The pained look she gave me almost broke my heart, "You planned for this, believe it or not. There's a box inside, full of letters. You insisted on writing them all even when there was work to do. I always rebuked you. Oh little prince, you knew this was going to happen, didn't you?"

I wrapped my arms around her as she shook, grasping at memories as they flitted past, desperate to keep them all and failing. Eventually we stood, though I was leaning on Angr now that the incessant pounding in my head had increased to an almost crippling pain. Thor had stood by silently, watching and waiting, though he seemed to have calmed down from his earlier haste. How had he known to reunite us? Or was this just Thor being Thor? I didn't care at this point, I was closer than ever to remembering it all. We entered her home, our home, and she set me down at the table, disappearing into one of the many side rooms. She reappeared a moment later with an ornate wood box, setting it before me. It opened silently on oiled hinges and the clean parchment was a godsend to my eyes. The pages felt cool to my fingertips as I drew them out, eyes resting on my swirling script of the first one.

If these are being taken out, then my precautions were well meant. I'm not going to rejoice in that fact. The true agony lies in the matter that these are needed after being taken. I only have theories and assumptions at this point. I'll try to cover them as much as possible in my short time; I know they're looking for me, it's only a matter of time. My main concern is in writing down my time spent with Angr and our children. Depending on how correct I am in my assuming, I will have forgotten everything. If we don't have Angr by our side, Thor is the only one to put your trust in. Contrary to his Asgardian ways, he still cares; will still go against others to protect us. I'm guessing they will take me against my will, probably torture me for good measure for disobeying. My main fear is the apple. I don't know what it will do, but I have my theories. We'll begin with those before delving into our time spent making a life for ourselves outside of someone else's plans.